Project Management Pillows

"We must kill this initiative, so let's mainstream it."

'...Any ideas for a product?'

OK, we've defined the project objectives. Now it's time to establish the stakeholders.

'Now this is exactly what I was referring to when I talked about 'scope creep'.'

-"I finished the project on time and on budget!" -"Right, next project you get less time and less money!"

"It all began with trying to measure project outcomes."

'I'm in constant contact with everyone involved, every step of the way. Well...I left a message.'

'Who wants to work late again, raise your hands.'

"Change in plans - the deadline's been moved up to four days ago."

"...and this is our Agile project!"

"I recommend our 'wild' expectations be downgraded to 'great.'"

"Well, I've finished the project on time and on budget!" "That means I've given you too much time and too much money!"

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

'I want to thank each of you for coming through in the clutch, putting in some overtime and seeing this project through to completion.'

Biblical Procurement Tales: Project Ark.

'...your hindsight on this project was far more accurate than his foresight.'

'My projects are behind schedule because I'm too busy. . . so I'm transferring them to you instead. . . Why are your projects behind schedule?!'

Yes, Mr Jones, this is the right meeting room for the SWOT analysis.

'Wow, that is a really big goal!'

'Normally, this project would require weeks of research and verification...but luckily there's an app for it.'

'You have three days left to finish this project!' 'I'll take Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas!'

With a great team behind you, you can achieve so much more...

'We're projecting growth in the third year, but unfortunately, we'll be out of business by then.'

'What's the smallest budget you can manage on?'

'The project is a little behind schedule. It was proactive, now it's retroactive.'

'This project is so important that we can't let anything more important interfere with it.'

"Let's derail this! So use passive voice, express vague concerns, and call for a follow-on working group."

"Of course the most important skill they can acquire is the ability to multi-task!"

"I thought an illogical framework would work better."

'Well, maybe upteen zillion was too general a cost estimate.'

"I don't know - seems like a lot of work."

'Make sure that those 'Ideas whose time has come', get launched today.'

'I estimate completion within 7 years...that's dog years of course.'

Project Managers in Hell

"This is when we will involve Procurement so they can do the boring stuff for us..."