Profile Detectives Gifts

"You DO realise I'm CGI don't you?"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

A boy acting suspiciously

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up in this office and you'll pay the price.'

'We subpoenaed all of 'Mr. Big's' electronic messages. They're in morse code.'

"You're either lying or not telling the truth."

'Who was the murderer? Well Watson, that's the killer question.'

"I may be obsessive and I may be compulsive, but no way am I obsessive compulsive."

We have a problem with your research. We're Encyclopedia Britannica and you're Wikipedia.

'I was attracted to you but your online photo, but now that I've seen you in High-Def...'

"It seemed like a long timeout."

"I'm not against going to couples therapy, but it feels weird to do it on a first date."

'I need someone who is willing to make a commitment not someone who's just interested in ruffling my feathers.'

Cop gives ASBO to cockerel: 'This of this as a cock-a-doodle-don't.'

I understand that our cat Magus died. I miss her a lot. But I wish my parents wouldn't tiptoe around it. House of Java.net Cybercafe. You don't have to watch Youtube clips of "CSI: Miami" to understand that death is a part of life. The thing I don't understand about our cat's death is, who would've killed her and left a mountain of unresolved clues that only a crack forensics team can figure out? Where were you at 8:45pm? The Youtube generation grows up fast.

Micro and Macro Department,

Don't forget to read the small print.

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"I just audited our books. Your register came up five cents short, Rudy."

Devil in the detail

"We think we've found the murder weapon Sir"

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

"If someone winks a you forty or fifty times, are they coming on to you?"

"You're not at all like your answering machine."

"TV violence made him do it. Says he'll name shows if we drop the charges."

Excessive Paperwork

'My school has a very strict detention policy.'

'With all those presents Santa carries, do you think he packs heat? . . . And maybe he's not really fat, but he's wearing a kevlar vest.'

'I am unable to find the words to respond to that.'

"For once I'd like to go on a date where she made eye contact instead of iPhone contact."

When pedants take a break.

She's disappointed. Doctor Frankenstein's online dating profile simply says that he's a "body-builder."

"I want someone whose inner pain is totally hot."

"This is too hard, but I'd recognize him on his own."