Prize Skeptic Pillows

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

The suggestion box.

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'Oh no its going to be one of those days.'

'We hoped you'd respond more enthusiastically to our incentive program.'

Suggestions Box

"Two minutes, 40 seconds. Next ... Two minutes, 53 seconds. Next ..."

"...did your last employer give you a reference?"

Welcome to Let's Make a Deal, where contestants compete for fabulous prizes. Carl Lernetz, from Brooklyn, let's look at what you'll be competing for today. Behind door #1 a gorgeous dining room set! Clap clap clap

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

"This is our newest drug. It's currently undergoing rigorous testing to see how much we can charge."

"Somehow these awards are seeming less special."

"£38,000 in consultancy fees and 'sell more stuff' is the best you can manage."

A person is reading another person's thoughts.

"Full disclosure: I served five years for bank fraud."

"You may already be a Nobel Prize winner!"

'Years ago he got his investment back, plus millions in interest. So he's leaving everything to Bernard Madoff.'

Research For Money

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

The worst is over...the worst is yet to come.

Instant winner trash can

"I can give you a 93.4% assurance that there is less than a 65.6% possibility that this excercise will simply generate 34.8% more meaningless statistics."

"More to life than money..."

'There's no such thing as a winning lottery ticket, it's all a hoax.'

Bottled water plant gets delivery of treated sewage.

'If I really was, do you think the kids would have even bothered to buy me a gift?'

"Invest? No offense, but I've read about you guys."

'We've been seeing a lot of this type of injury lately.'

"I finally realised I was a failure when I received a letter from Readers Digest saying I hadn't been selected for their prize draw."

'He's reached his limit with Government health advice.'

"I just found out the amount of my monthly pension. They should rename this office the INHUMAN relations department!"

Finding someone parked in her spot at the studio, Operah Winfrey will once again give a person in the audience a free car.

NO PARKING, from here to eternity.

Alcohol Related Crime.