Private Health Practitioner Gifts

'Mr. Simpkins, is one of my private patients, so I'm going to keep him in until his cheque clears... Er, I mean, until his chest clears.'

"You have to believe what you're doing will lead to something valuable, even though it probably won't."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"Thanks to modern medicine, we now have drugs to make any season the season to be jolly."

"I'm putting you on entry level anxiety meds."

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

'Have you tried a licensed health practicioner?'

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

'You may have an adverse reaction when I administer this. It's your medical bill.'

Eye, ear, nose, throat and loans to pay the bills.

Big Drug Companies Hooked

"FYI that the novocaine will numb the pain caused by the drill but won’t help with the pain caused by the overhead adult contemporary music."

"Yikes! Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't see this."

"We've geared up our American company to provide PPE for our healthcare providers, and we need 'Made in the USA' tags to on 'em! Problem is, USA tags are all Made In China."

Meds Toast

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"The Doctor is just wonderful!! He listens to all my irrelevant, boring stories!"

'Kitchen! Chicken Bone! Hurry!!' - Rent-A-Surgeon

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."

Doctor with a variety of certificates on the wall featuring popular phrases used by doctors.

'Let's play alternative health provider.'

Humanitarian Medical Work

"Take two of these and call my answering service in the morning."

"Your health insurance doesn't cover what you've got...so I'm diagnosing you with something they do cover."

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

GPs should provide 'forest bathing' on the NHS says charity.

Don't worry. I'll be right there.

"The reason you haven't seen me lately is because I haven't been well..."

Hospital: Senior Care/Long Term Care/Who Cares

'You're very tense today.'

An unlicensed acupuncturist