Press Spokesperson Pillows

These remarks are completely off the record

Trial by Media

'How fast can you hype?'

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

"National security adviser"

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

Public Relations: Reputations cleaned and repaired

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"We've won control of the congress. Our next objective is to win control of the media."

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

Moses Today. Due to the sensitive nature of this matter, my source wishes to remain anonymous.

Newspaper suicide.

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"

Free press.

'Mr. President, I have a question, where's the mens' room?'

"Your press kit said you were lots of fun."

'That's the new guy. He writes our 'shuck-and-jive' press releases.'

Freedom of the Press

"My spokesperson won't speak to me."

'I had to give a short speech last night. It was a hoot!'

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

Crooked Hillary... Pig... Sad!... Not a Ten!...

'Welcome! Highly placed, unidentified administration spokespersons convention.'

"Marketing hired a golf pro as our spokesperson. Finally, we've got someone on the ball around here."

'We're out of duct tape.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"The White House Washington"

A boy and his spin patrol.

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

"There is nothing dangerous about GM foods!" "Keep talking or we'll smash your head in"

"I've finished the press statement about the kraken."

"I don't think of it as an environmental disaster, I think of it as inventing extinct animals."