Preservative Avoiders Pillows

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.

"What the hell happened to this town?"

'I hate surprises!'

Geekasaurus.

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

"Cool bonfire app, man."

A safe is about to fall on an unsuspecting man interested in risk-free investments.

'My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references,'

'Alice are you dating me only because you don't feel like cooking?'

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

"To play it safe, I still take one aspirin every other day."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."

"Freeze! We're taking a look at your additives, preservatives, artificial coloring..."

'My Barry hates horror films.'

'He always breaks away from the Church on Sunday mornings.'

"Well, my wife is lactose-maltose-dextrose-sucrose-cellulose intolerant, which means I can't even hand her an empty box of candy."

'Avoid the Christmas rush, drink now.'

An agony of aunts

"I'm just going to stay in the car until all the bees die off."

"But this is the way we've always done it."

James never left his bed, seeing nothing but danger in the financial world.

'Vice is one thing but advice is far worse!'

'Thurlow, the difference between you and me is that I was smart enough not to take my own advice.'

Too posh to wash...

'Nature makes me nervous!'

"We can't stay. Charles freaks out without some electronic device beeping or blinking at him."

It's not that Ned is superstitious...but rather, he doesn't take unnecessary risks!

'We've done it! We've extended the life of Twinkies. If only we could do that for humans.'

Lemmings look over a cliff at a safety net

Fear of housework.

"And we thought you were a team player!"

Do we have to do this every time carol singers come around?

"Yeah, well, I'm not taking any goddam pill until I know what the long-term effects are."