Preschool Perfectionist Gifts

"I'm sorry, but Woolfsey Academy expects a basic level of preparation from its candidates. Mistaking vermilion for scarlet? I don't think so.".

'I'm not too sure about that.'

"You know what they say, there's one born every minute!"

Mum and the Sleepless Baby

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"I've heard of being organized, but isn't this a little obsessive compulsive?"

". . . but he's almost four and he hasn't been labelled yet!"

'I can 'YO', but the second 'YO' isn't working!'

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

Perfection

My child is a genius.

"Not to alarm you, but the other newborns are already ahead."

Christmas Present Wrapping Service.

Chris felt that, with diligence, he could teach Jack to hit a 1-iron by 11 months.

"Being happy with one's work is the kiss of death."

"Hush, little baby, don’t you cry ... ever."

Santa's Out Tray.

"You're welcome."

'Hey, Birdbrain, does the word ozone mean anything to you?'

'He's researching out-of-state kindergartens.'

'I'm a narcissist? - Are you saying I'm not perfect?'

Desk trays - 'Do it' and 'Do it right this time'.

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

Parental Anxiety

Wanting his picnic with Gwen to be perfect, Hal made sure they would not be bothered by ants.

Woman trying to straighten a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

A conductor practising in front of a mirror.

'Mommy has made this astonishing cake just to get you to eat your peas and provide valuable insight for your therapist in twenty years.'

Parenting Wonks

'My holiday season: A rich tradition of belated giving and premature babbling.'

"And on the eighth day, the Lord just puttered around..." "That cloud doesn't belong there. Did I do that? I'd better move it..."

"Come on, we're late. Your crosshatching looks fine."