Prenatal Checkup Gifts

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

So … you do a lot of yoga?

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'Oh, relax - you're doing great for your age...but I am a little concerned about out computer's old operating system.'

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

Turn your head and laugh.

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'The needle was THIS big!'

"I didn't even get a balloon."

"You've got bunions, hammertoes and plantar fasciitis. Bad feet must run in your family." "Nobody runs in my family."

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'How far along are you?'

'That reminds me - your hospital appointment is next week.'

Child Development: 'He's developing just fine, those babies in the commercials aren't really talking.'

'Well, it all started with a group hug.'

'Try not to think about your car-parking charges.'

'Your heart is slightly larger but that's because you're an animal lover.'

"Good news. You're not ready for a kick-the-bucket list."

Drinking Conversion Chart

"Your baby's fussiness, whining, and general discontent isn't anything to worry about. It should clear up on its own in about 18 years."

'I already have four girls. I picked out the names for this one. If I give birth to a girl...Jennifer. If it's a boy...hooray!'

Medical Exam

"The doctor will see you now, warts and all."

A footballer is having an eye test.

'Wait! Let me clip my nails first.'

Ultrasound. . . AKA: Womb Zoom

'No. I said, 'Inhale deeply, and hold your breath.''

'Another common mistake is to forget to take off the dirty nappy before putting the clean one on.'