Prehistoric Storyteller Gifts

"We'll start out by speaking in simple declarative sentences."

'What have I told you before about drawing on the walls?'

Little known fact: Man progressed from the stone age to the bronze age after Thag read an issue of the Journal of Metals.

Caveman draws a picture exaggerating his hunting prowess.

"I've invented the fire extinguisher."

Early social media platforms were used much the same as they are today.

'Because mastodon fur is out of STYLE, that's why!'

'How's your novel coming along?'

'Once-upon-a-time about two years ago...'

'If you want to see my resume, it's on my cave wall.'

'He's not either more afraid of me than I am of him!'

Early man learns that by walking upright, his hands become free to do many useful things.

'You've been at this all day, dear -- why don't you give up and catch a rabbit or something?'

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

Early origins of 'lowbrow'.

"I think the return of the pterodactyls is a little ominous!"

"Chapter three: Homo erectus and the practical use of bones..."

"He thought the creature seemed more conciliatory of late."

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"What's a patent?"

'Well, there's something you don't see every day'

"Frankly, I can't wait until I evolve into a bird..."

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

'It's an extinction notice.'

"While you were working on fire, I was working on my satellite. Once we figure out how to launch it into the heavens, other inventions will follow, like phones, GPS, weather predictions. . ."

'The dreaded Anachronisaurus strikes again!'

'How do you like my fantasy weekend so far?'

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'O mighty gods! - May you grant us food, clothing, and shelter, and the wisdom to know the difference.'

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

Early on-line shopping

"Take that mammoth back. It's not 'wooly' enough."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

'I made your favorite for dinner — pterodactyl nuggets!'