Pregnancy Comedian Gifts

"The Remote."

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

"This should send the midwife off in a frenzy."

'I've drawn up a shortlist of baby names.'

"He looks like you, and he isn't even born yet."

"Mum's biological clock is ticking away...OOPS!...my mistake. That's indigestion."

"Don't be so dramatic. You tell me you're pregnant every day?"

'Yes, the baby should arrive soon: Her nesting instinct is in overdrive!'

Pregnant Woman - "I think it's coming gift-wrapped."

"Mother and baby are doing well...Both are in a stable condition."

'We're hoping to sell the naming rights.'

'You want Chinese food? Are you going to have a baby or something?'

'Are we there yet?.. Are we there yet?.. Are we there yet?..'

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'This is boring. This uterus could sure do with a fast forward button.'

'When will I start to look 'radiant and blooming'?'

"Six down, three to go!!"

"I'm sorry, but we're not an online retailer. We can't guarantee delivery in 2 days."

"At which trimester will I be able to communicate with my baby via text?"

Caution: False Contractions Ahead

'That's the most extreme linear nigra I've ever seen!!'

"After 9 months floating here, instead of a birth certificate I should get a diver certification."

Maternity Wing Sign: Please Wait To Push

Pregnant vs. Old.

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Could I examine your cervix?'

101 Placenta Recipes

'Looks like Tungor's wife's waters have broken.'

Lamaze. I'm sorry, no, we' don't offer any "Gifted Fetus" programs.

'Houdini's mother had an odd and difficult pregnancy.' 'Oh no. He's gone again!'

The baby's really been moving round today.

"It's a birthing position, Dan. Quit yelling 'Hike.'"

The Last Few Weeks of Pregnancy.