Preacher Prints

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

Blessed are the brief.

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

Motorcycle Faith Healer

"Pray only for peace, love, strength and forgiveness. Never, ever spam the Lord."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

Power and the Glory tools

'And he said, Come unto me, for it's not what you know, but who you know.'

'But if He's omniscient, wouldn't praying just annoy him?'

"If we're on earth to help others, how do I go about becoming an 'other'?"

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

'He only got this job because of who his dad is.'

'Have you ever heard the parable of the lawn left unmowed?'

"...And the person who put the Euro coin in the collection plate last week,may you burn in hell."

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

'I imagine you were pretty nervous addressing an army of experts.'

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth - but not the oil and mineral rights.'

'...and so I say without fear of contradiction...'

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

"You should do a sermon on the dangers of stupidity."

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

Never fails. Stay in all week, not one call. Step out for an hour to preach...

"To increase attendance, I've decided to make every Sunday Easter Sunday."

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

God is for life not just for Christmas.

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'