Preacher Pillows

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

Blessed are the brief.

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

Motorcycle Faith Healer

"Pray only for peace, love, strength and forgiveness. Never, ever spam the Lord."

"Nice sermon. Not too preachy."

"If we're on earth to help others, how do I go about becoming an 'other'?"

Power and the Glory tools

'And he said, Come unto me, for it's not what you know, but who you know.'

'But if He's omniscient, wouldn't praying just annoy him?'

'Have you ever heard the parable of the lawn left unmowed?'

"Sorry, I'm preaching again. Why don't we pause for a moment while I pass around the collection plate."

'I enjoyed the deviled ham, the deviled eggs and the devil's food cake, but we need a menu more in tune with our mission.'

"God's love is unconditional. But you must act now. Offer may be withdrawn at any time. Void where prohibited by law."

'He only got this job because of who his dad is.'

'...and to speed up the collection process, donations can now be made by texting 'CHURCH' to 873346.'

"...And the person who put the Euro coin in the collection plate last week,may you burn in hell."

'Remember you are dust bunny and to dust bunny you shall return.'

'...and so I say without fear of contradiction...'

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

'Today's sermon is on Eve and Adam....'

'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth - but not the oil and mineral rights.'

'I imagine you were pretty nervous addressing an army of experts.'

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'A tithe is defined as a tenth of your income, Mr. Talmadge -- not ten percent of whatever you happen to have in your pocket on Sunday morning!'

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"You should do a sermon on the dangers of stupidity."

Never fails. Stay in all week, not one call. Step out for an hour to preach...

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

God is for life not just for Christmas.

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'Verily I say unto you, the first shall be last and the last shall be first, while those in the middle will stay roughly the same.'

'...and blessed be our new church nursery, which allows certain congregation members to catch up on their sleep during my sermon.'

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'