Modern Preacher Pillows

"You may need to pep up your sermons, sir. Some of the members are requesting WIFI in the pews."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

'Why didn't he take 8 days and finish the job properly?'

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"The Lord works in mysterious ways, I mean, alpacas? What are they? It’s like Bob Seger mated with a llama."

"Black or white, Vicar?"

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Night-time halo

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'First the dinosaurs, now this...'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Thou Shalt Not!

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

Dogma

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'You were great at 'Daniel in the Lion's Den!' -- I'd sure like to hear you do 'The Three Little Pigs' sometime!'

'It wasn't actually written by God. The Lord used holy ghost writers.'

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

That feeling when you know the preacher is talking directly to you.

Minister to marrying couple: 'Remember, you're under oath.'

The ecumenical dinner party.

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"That's the preacher's dog."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"Any distinguishing 'PARSONAL' characteristics?"

"We missed you at church Sunday."