Prayerful Jokesters Pillows

'I'm praying for foam kneelers.'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Lesbians for Christ

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'...Love, honor, and obey, no strings attached?'

"Wake up! Brother Billy's finished praying."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

"I haven't changed my facebook status."

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'

Snail slow to react to an ant's joke.

Third eye

Robot porn.

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"So I'll have to believe it so see it?"

'Any idea why your boyfriend is handing out cigars in the pub?'

The little rascal! He knows we're watching him and that he's safe next to his warren, so he's mooning us!

Junior's switch to electronic chewing tobacco was short-lived.

'3 pints of lager, 2 gin and tonic, 1 vodka and coke and a replacement liver.'