Practical Jokester On The Green Pillows

'Actually, I'd better have 2 pairs of trousers in case I get a hole.'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

"I hate this time of year."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"Susan! The Johnson's dog is chasing me while I'm jogging again!"

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Watering the garden gnome

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'If you plan to run a half-marathon you won't want a stopwatch, you'll need a calendar!'

"Okay...just this once...but no more practice swings!"

"Oh I don't mind the jogging, but I think you tricked me. When you asked if I wanted to exercise, I thought you said, extra fries!"

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

"I modified the symbol for accuracy."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

Gardener digging and finding pipes.

"You have a good lie."

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

'No, I haven't taken up jogging...A velociprator was after me!'

Interrupted Shower.

Vegetarian restaurant: 'Two vegetarians please.'

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

"My Doctor said I needed more exercise so I jogged down to the donut shop."

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

'I ran the mile in two minutes. I took a short cut.'

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

"No matter who I vote for, Tia Carmen always votes for the other guy. That means my candidate gets two votes!"

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."