Positive News Pillows

We have some good news and we have some very good news!

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

Enhanced Pedophilia Interrogation Techniques

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

Squeezing the Free Press.

They're Not Just That Into It

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I figure if I was still employed, I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you!"

Trump pardons

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

Be Healthy

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"I can't decide what I fear the most, Putin's Russia or Putin's America."

"Why do dogs wag their tails? Because it always brings results."

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

Difference of Opinion

Meet the Enemy

'Wow! I never thought it would actually WORK!'

"We won!"

'I think I'll stay in and try to catch up on my reading.'

CIA report

'Thank heavens! For a minute there I thought it was the news!'

"But he had a mask and I thought he was a burglar."

'Now for today's numbers...'Bad Dogs' outnumbered 'Good Dogs' by two-to-one...'

News Internecine: Murdoch succession battle

A little bird told me...

Our Two Parties, Explained

Laughingstock

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'