Portion Philosopher T-Shirts

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

"Behold! As I transform this family size frozen lasagna into a meal for one."

The devil you know and his plus one

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'No thanks, I don't drink when I'm driving home a point about investing.'

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

'Maximising shareholder value doesn't count.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

"I can't understand it, we did quite well in the first three quarters.

'It's ten o'clock. Do you know what your office staff are doing?'

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

'Since you only work one night a year, it will take centuries to build up your retirement account.'

'Before you go, introduce yourself, so that I know who you were...'

'Can Mr. Sloan call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

'Actually I only do this on weekends.'

Some recently de-classified nuclear secrets.

Club insecurity.

"Last time I saw you, you were just a baby."

'My finger's stopped bleeding. I must have run out of blood.'

'Thank goodness we don't need profits in order to make piles of money.'

Documentation Please

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

'As long as I stand here I'm safe. . . no stress. . . no pressure. . . no need to impress. . . I can just relax and be who I am. . .'

"Oh I don't think it's as bad as all that. In fact, I think we're in the golden age of something which we won't even realize it's the golden age of until many years from now."

A Higgs Bosun

Yakademic: An academic who has been describing their research since they were asked about it over 20 minutes ago.

Fruits and vegetables

"Learning percentages has made me realize there's a 50% chance I'll flunk math."

"Honey, you’re doing that thing again where you stare into space and wonder how I talked you into leaving the house."

"I'm Roberto, and I'll be your waiter this evening. This is Carl. He's in charge of portion control."

Go large or go home!

"His schlock has gravitas."