Politeness Punster Pillows

'Basic hall-greeting techniques: Maintain brisk pace while glancing toward recipient, curt nod (smile optional), .5 seconds of eye contact, head back to forward position, apply afterburner if necessary, exit.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

Sweep the board.

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

Dogs life

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

''The consent of the governed'? -- that could be a deal-breaker.'

Kamikaze Colour