Plea Bargain Punster Pillows

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Sweep the board.

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

Dogs life

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

"You can't plead cute."

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

Kamikaze Colour

'When I said address the ball I didn't mean like that!'

Richard the Turd

'When she walks in she lights up the room...' 'It's living next to the nuclear plant.'