Playful Piste Provocateur Gifts

British/French Rivalry.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'Before we start, I'd like legal representation.'

"I can see you're a ski newbie."

"O.K., one last big rhubarb score. But then I'm out of the pie game for good."

"All right, Thompson. The board concedes that this quarter's economic growth does look very much like a kitty.

"How many times have I told you? Stop playing on the stairs!"

'We need more cake shows!'

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

'I said you could have ONE cookie!' 'I know. I took two HALF moon cookies...'

'Little Nurse' daughter trying to distract Daddy so he cuts himself shaving

'Macaroni and cheese, three nights in a row?... That's justifiable homicide in my book!'

Skiing

Whale blowing soap-bubbles.

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

"But we ARE practising, Mum."

Yoga Class. Ernie, check this out -- The "lotus" position! Looks more like the "low-tush" position!

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

"Now that the kids and grandkids are grown I can get back to more erotic embroidery."

"Helen, I really wish you would respect my creative process."

"Must you go 'beep beep beep' every time you back up?"

Sadojazzachists

"Eddie organizes a Walk-A-Thong."

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

Don't Push: Electrical Shock.

'...and this develops their sense of aggression and ability to smash things.'

Hop-scotching monk.

It's worse than you think - his tail's actually chasing him.

Those bubble wrap kids.

Writer's Block.

Taking selfies

'Ski Boots, One Size, Fits None.'

'Referring to God as 'she' seems to offend all the right people.'

"I became a vegetarian just to annoy people."

'See? — that's the big one I got away from.'