Placebo Ponderer Pillows

'Actually, I'm a placebo psychiatrist.'

'I don't care about your stinking study. This time, it better not be the placebo.'

"I hate it when the palcebo does better than the drugs we're testing."

"With this medication, you may find your voice getting richer and more powerful, but don't worry. It's just a placido effect."

"We still don't understand how this happened. You were with the placebo control group."

'I think it's a placebo, so I paid with a fake credit card.'

I'm afraid laughter isn't really the best medicine, Mr. Fusco. The truth is, laughter is the best placebo.

Acupuncture Treatment Room. My acupuncturist used placebos on me today.

"Well Doctor, I thought if a placebo works, this might as well..."

'Attention - we're combining our anti-viral and anti-bacterial placebo divisions immediately.'

'Do you carry over-the-counter placebos?'

"I'm prescribing a placebo. You'll have to explain to him that it's really working."

"...and the women who used the placebo makeup turned out to be just as attractive."

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"Dave, could you hold on a sec while I take care of some personal business?"

Waiting for Pants

"You want a generic or a regular sugar pill?"

Need a vitaminlike pill, but don't want to risk the side effects? Then try the world's first multivitamin placebo! They don't do any good, but they don't do any harm either.

"All I take anymore is mushrooms for my anxiety, ketamine for my depression, and ibuprofen for the goblins constantly eating my feet."

'Say again: a train going 50 Miles Per Hour leaves Chicago heading to a black hole where the rules of motion change as a function of distance from a singularity ... and then what?'

'Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world.' 'You want BOTH?!'

Progress?

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

Bizarre sequence of computer-generated random numbers

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

'What's the chance of getting a latte around here?'

'Turn your thinking cap around, Robert.'

'Jerry, The Hermans take the same pharmaceuticals we do!'

I've got a new theory, Randy, and it's going to shock the world. Why? Because it's pretty much irrefutable. You know how when you're in the bathroom, it feels like five minutes have passed … but to those waiting to use it, it feels like forever? Yes … And you know how when you're at the event horizon of a black hole, five minutes to you actually is forever to the rest of the universe? ... I think we'd better alert Neil Degrasse Tyson. I call it the Time Toilation Theory.

'Today's Odds' sign above a copier showing various odds for machine's malfunctions

"Woah - random!"

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'We could use more moving and shaking from you, Yomp, and less bobbing and weaving.'

"Caution! Now entering the margin of error."

Are these sessions as soul-deadening for you as they are for me, doctor? Let's not have a contest, Al. Or, if we do, no wagering.