Pizza Detective Gifts

"It's '60 Minutes.' Did you order a mushroom pizza in July, 1992, and never pick it up?"`

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

Try to guess the continent dining...

'I'm majoring in communication and minoring in pizza delivery - What about you?'

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'Notice how with truth in packaging requirements all the labels begin with ‘OMG!''

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"It's been redacted to produce our sauces."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"Well, son. . . here your dad makes the famous 'fresh from nature' food!"

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

'Are you the guy who put gluten in the bread?'

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

GM Crops Genie.

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"Don't tell him anything."

How is your soup, sir? Speaking for myself, it looks pretty good. I can't speak for the fly, of course.

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

'Mine was stone cold.'

Horse meat scandal.

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"