Pitch Whisperer Pillows

"They play union in heaven... where do they play football?"

"Just be yourself."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

"I sensed you needed my help. I’m Saint &@!#%&!!, the patron saint of cursing."

Super pets.

Canned laughter for sale in Theatrical Supplies shop.

'Other dogs howl at the moon, I've trained mine to play Bach.'

Husband bakes a pie

'Yes, the treestand's maximum weight capacity is 300 pounds, you weigh 301 pounds.'

A woman playing a keyboard

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

"Dad! The bathroom pipes are clogged up!"

"He's from IT. All I did was tell him I thought he was doing a great job... and he fainted in shock!"

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

Open Mike for the spotlight operators

'You reckon we should mosey this guy?'

Big Football

Frederic Chopin

"You say there's a dip in the market?"

'Never mind another doctor -- I'm referring you to the Bureau of Weights and Measures.'

'Let the ball do the work, son.'

'Boy, are the markets getting sensitive, anymore.'

'I see you have a stock market/body connection.'

"Have you thought about early retirement?"

'SSHHH, PIANOS. TWO GRANDS AND A BABY. ONE HAS THE LID UP AND THE OTHER ONE IS BARING ITS KEYS. BETTER GET THE CELLO.'

"This is very mysterious. I can't seem to pick up anything at all about you, but I see 'Ivan the Terrible' coming to the Thalia."

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

'Here, we've unearthed a layer of granite, a layer of calcite, and a layer of erudite.'

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

'Let's try again but NO laughing this time!'

Easter Island Model

"I'd better go -- I think my wife's menopause has arrived."

At the school of ventriloquism.

Playing dead is easy, but when they ask me to speak, I have to imagine them in their underwear.

'If you can smile when everything around you is going wrong... you're probably in the repair business!'