Pill Planners Gifts

"Trying to decide if I should take a Halcion, Ambien or Lunesta is making me sleepy."

Bathroom shelf full of clocks and pills.

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

"Be patient. He'll have to visit the water cooler sooner or later."

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'More homes and wind turbines planned.'

"We've waited twenty-five years to make this trip, and we're certainly not interested in getting there in any six and a half hours."

Old woman with trolley full of medication.

'Jenkins won the health savings award with his suggestion that we have our employee hernia checks done at the airport by TSA agents.'

"This grade doesn't fit into my five-year plan!"

Medical Supplies

Praying for a goal assist.

'... I'll take the handoff to the tailback, then give the ball to my stunt double here, and he will dive head-first into the end zone.'

'What the . . . no wonder we can't gain any yards. We've been fitted with radio collars...'

'Get the stretcher! He's got a mole on his leg that looks a little funky!!'

'To err is human. To really screw up requires a plan.'

"More protein? How about some veggies once in a while?"

Mort dear I've written a living will. I've decided I won't be kept alive. Really. I just realized I can't be lying there vulnerable. I'm impressed. How introspective. Yeah, I'd be totally unable to make fun of Rudy. Pardon? These taunts are to be used after my death. Rudy, the iPads up here are amazing.

"The wait is killing me so I'm taking a day off from looking forward to Halloween."

'Their offense is shifty and often ruthless. I want you to study the videotapes - especially this one showing their quarterback robbing a convenience store at gunpoint.'

Bus stop in the desert - 'It wouldn't hurt to wait around for a little while.'

College Football Player Cheat Sheet

"Sure, I can recommend some mental exercises. Try memorizing all the prescription drugs I have you on."

"Yes, I do all my shopping online. How did you know?"

OK, great! So, we re-brand Crackerjack for a new generation and call it 'The C Word'.

Battery life time

CEO Barney Bingle reassured analysts that his company's earnings target is still in sight.

"My job is to confirm your 15 prescriptions are compatible."

Remember, take this one with food, take this one with water, and take this one with your insurance payment.

'No, Friday is not good for me, sorry. Boy, hunting in a pack is such a logistical nightmare...'

"I just made the perfect password...the first letter of all my prescription drugs."

Which will open up a lane to hit my ex-wife's lawyer in section seven, row two, seat fine.

Waiting...