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New York Scatological Society

"Buckle up. We're in the midst of an unprecedented breadcrumb recession."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Eldrow

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I told him not to wear stretchy pants to dinner.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

'All she said was something about having rice for dinner and then poof!. . . She's gone!'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Euro parachute is not keeping Europe aloft.

"Pie chart"

"Shouldn't there be some sort of pecking order around here?"

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

Football.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"No, you didn't hear the soft rustle of a sandwich wrapper!"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'You think irritable fowl syndrome is bad? Just wait until you hit menopause.'

Ted enjoyed going to the park and feeding the woodpeckers.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'Legend has it, he was known as the pigeon whisperer.'

Bird Messaging

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

Carrier Pigeons

Stop the big guy!

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"I'd say my biggest influence is probably Pollock."

Nelson.