Phone Foodie Gifts

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed..."

'I sent out for everything.'

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

"Boil, toil and trouble, I wish I'd never started this risotto."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

Every barbecue has its winners and losers.

Ice Cream Surgeon

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"You do like octopus?"

I'm looking for a man who can meet my needs - Cream meringue master-chef.

"Even the waiters here are organic."

What the Doctor Ordered

The Fourth Little Pig

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

'You complimented the chef on his dumplings -now he wishes to return the compliments!'

'Do you have any catsup?'

Soup of the month.

Fast food. Even faster food

La Table

"Christmas drinks 'n' nibbles system"

'My diet's good...I'm two weeks ahead of schedule.'

Bad for you but to die for

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

"Easy for you to say - you're cured!"

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

"The space aliens who abducted me wanted to know what it was like to be loved...I wasted no time."

"To paraprase Nietzsche, there is no pleasure with out pain au chocolat."

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

'He made an excellent jelly.'