Philosophical Pup Gifts

The meaning of life...

"I want him to have the serenity to accept the things he can't pee on, the patience to pee on the things he can outside, and the wisdom to know the difference." "But I'll probably just take him to a trainer."

Wally Begins research for his thesis entitled "who's a good dog?"

"Yes, one is a dog."

Cat Reunion

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

"Dogs are men."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

Dog training

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

'She broke up with me because I'm a stray and, thus, always have fleas!'

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

The Inner Dog.

"Shhh - he's trying open his third nostril."

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

'He can't speak to the dead, but he can speak to the dead.'

Monk & Mandi: "I only obey twice a day."

"You need a hobby."

Dog on couch at psychiatrist office talking about love and liver snacks

"These dizzy spells, I have a theory."

"I only know 'Sit' and 'Stay.' "

'Sure, I can talk, but I still feel culturally illiterate.'

"Talking's ok but to me walking on your hind legs is simply taking anthropomorphism a bit too far."

"Ugh, tell me about it! They pressure you to be a good boy and I get unreal expectations of prettiness!"

"Pet peeves" "I fear the cat." "I fear the cat" "I fear the cat." "Fecced me."

Descartes' dog.

Hemingway's dog meets Faulkner's Dog.

"But the best thing about getting neutered, Gus, is that I'm finally able to focus on my novel-in-progress without any distractions!"

"I bark, therefore I am."

"You know you're getting old when you start getting nose whiskers."

The Free Range Finch

Why the "Man's Best Friend" thing is a total fraud.