Philosophical Jokester Pillows

"They say it takes 10,000 hours to perfect something- I guess I was a bit hasty throwing that together in 144."

No one knows why Jesus stopped going to frat parties: 'What are we going to do with all this water?'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Optimist

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Eureka! After months of research and formulating algorithms, I've done it... I've discovered the secret to 'being cool'!'

"Class, this is David. He's our new financial exchange student."

"Ever wondered about the development of mankind if, just before the big bang, a voice said 'Oops!'"

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'Hard or soft science?'

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Leaving cards.

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"It's the formula for a black hole."

"You idiots … we lost!"

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Scottish Independence: The Union Jock.

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Undergraduate and don

"I thought SAT was 'Smart Alec Teacher'!"

'Socrates, you've been drinking again.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

Broad Minded

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'