Philosopher Of Everyday Mishaps Pillows

Cold Cruel World: If a guy smashes his finger and there's nobody around will he actually make any noise?

Winter Weather.

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Hamlet in the craft shop.

"Sure I can't pop that in a bag for you, sir?"

"I've figured out why my life is boring."

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

"I've done nothing Instagrammable for months."

Chicken: the one-man show

KNITEO ERGO SUM!

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

"At least she got it to squeak when she tripped over it."

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

'The Human Comedy needs a laugh track.'

"Is this a good time to bring up a car problem?"

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

'No dear, I do not think it's time we homo sapiens apologised to the Neanderthals.'

Fall Rocks/Deer Crossing

STILL LIVES - Toilet Paper: 'I'm absolutely fed-up with being ripped-off all the time!'

'I'm leaving, I want to see the world. I can't stay here and spend my life watching grass grow!'

Torah reading on the subway.

Feel good loser. NON WINNER

Unloading Zone.

'What are you annoyed about now?'

'Ignore him, he always makes such a fuss when he has a cold.'

'Have a nice day... And I don't say that to just anybody.'

"I totally wiped out on my bike."

'You are now entering Samville. Samville needs a ride.'

The much more typical...Renaissance Man.

"I'm going to need the promotion code."

"Wow, two hundred dryer sheets. Who will I even be two hundred dryer sheets from now?"

"You get a great view of the ball park from here."

"But if they're banned, where will I find poetry in the unexpected?"

You've been around for a very, very long time. Maybe you can answer this

"If you're so sober, why ain't you rich?"