Philosopher Of Life's Oddities Pillows

"They say hair and fingernails keep growing, but phone calls taper off."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Call me?"

Pigeon Little

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Talking to your own reflection? Even your imagination is pathetic."

"Yes, six to seven weeks is my life expectancy! Once I learned that, I thought, the hell with it, I'll stop working and start travelling..."

Reverse psychology

"You need to justify your own existence first."

"Always take the bull firmly by the tail and look him directly in the eye..."

"Colin kept the bar fairly low."

"I sold my soul for about a tenth of what the damn things are going for now."

Caveman to kid: 'There's more to life than what you read on cave walls.'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

Middle Age: When you finally get your head together, and your body starts to fall apart!

"Enjoy yourself while you can because before you know it, you've surpassed your 'Best Used By' date."

Aging Support Group

"Death coach..."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"Yes sir, I'm late. But I thought we were supposed to stop and smell the roses ... "

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

Life, love and a lot of bananas.

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

City Bar and Grill - "Stop worrying, youth and enthusiasm can't compete with experience and treachery."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"How do I know God is not real? For the same reason I know people on TV can't see me."

"The good news is it's brightening up..."

'You may disagree with me now, Son, but when you're 500 years old, you'll understand.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Just when I’ve reconciled the fact that I’m in my 40s, my 50th birthday shows up."

"Your next pilgrimage must be to a bodega for milk."

"I'm surprised I'm still single - I always thought I'd be divorced by now."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'