Pew Comic Pillows

Sermon Applause.

"Remember, kids, it's not winning that matters, it's getting a clean urine sample that's important."

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

"What a coincidence, that's my name, too!"

'Natalie, would you please bring me the buzzword du jour?'

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

'Ben has a new fishing technique - he calls it 'Fish Hawk'.'

"It's a cup holder."

Cat Lover's Leap.

"Any questions?" (Company's down the toilet.)

"Of course I'm proud to work here... Why do you ask?

"I started in the Lab and worked my way up."

"In keeping with my promise to spread the wealth, I'm giving you all a bigger piece of the pie."

Members of the Luddite community carving computers from solid blocks of oak and maple

"No, son, there's no severance package."

'Act your shoe size, not your age.'

'Is this seat saved?' Fundamentalism Gone Awry.

'I liked the loaves he gave out last week better. The ones with the little poppy seeds.'

"Words cannot describe my feelings for your work, so I've sent you a string of vicious emojis."

'This came in from somewhere. Could you send it somewhere else?'

"In this company we don't just appreciate our workers. We celebrate them from their first until their last day, which as you might have noticed for you has come today."

"The government wants us to wear these bonus hazard suits."

"I wonder if he's talking to me?"

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

'The church offering was really down this week, we received three I.O.U.'s.'

"What d'you say we try sneaking out before the last one?"

'It's made out of solid wood and it sleeps eight.'

'About this tithing business -- do You accept manna?'

'I'd like to ask the council's advice on how to get the congregation to sit closer to the front of the church.'

Fortunately for Brad, he isn't paid to think.

'Can I use your mantra today? - I forgot mine.'

"Thank you for holding, your prayers have advanced in the queue and will be answered by the next available deity."

'We forgot why we hired him, and he forgets why he works here.'

"It's my life line in case the rapture happens, so I'm not left behind."

'You need to be more persistent. Now, get out of here and keep coming back until you've worn me down.'