Petrol Pundit Pillows

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"I'll take any model here so long as it's got a full tank."

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

Lemonade - $500 A Glass! 'Yes, my prices high, but how else am I supposed to buy a Boulevart M109R? Certainly not on my allowance.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Energy trap.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

"This internet survey is asking me to take another survey rating the survey I'm taking."

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

"But, pop, I hardly expected the oil price bust to affect my allowance."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

Gas Price Reads: Way Too Much.

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'Increase your beer volume sales by filling the glasses up.'

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'Well,here's the answer to why your car has been running so rough in the mornings Mr.Tait...It's pregnant!'

'Of course I'll charge you 8,- for an empty glass of scotch. Never heard of bear sales, sir?'

'Over the years our company has acquired a face of its own.'

"I hope it's not contagious."

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""