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"They moved my bowl."

"And you call yourself a dog."

The Doggie Psychic

"Putting him on a diet was easy. Just hide a pill in his food and he'll never touch it."

"Baby, you can't listen to reviewers."

'It's probably your own fear of inadequacy.'

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

"You and I lack a basic understanding."

"Listen, and I'll explain it to you again..."

"Of course I'm a sociopath; what else did you expect? I'm a cat."

"To overcome your fear of vacuum cleaners, we'll start with a dustbuster and work our way up."

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

Licensed Therapist

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Dog Nightmares

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"Have you tried biting him?"

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"This says dogs can exhibit feelings of jealousy."

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"Meow."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

"Actually I never loved you."

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'I'm sure they don't think you're really a bad kitty...just a kitty that sometimes does bad things.'

"I can't believe how much I love her. Just look at those sienna eyes and that adorable little nose. I honestly don't know how I'd survive without her." "He has food."

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

I hear you, man. Look, if you need anything, my door is always open.

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"