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Dog Nightmares

Dogs talking about the Nobel prize but their owners only hear 'Wroof! Growl!'

"Sometimes ... I just want to run away."

Licensed Therapist

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

"This says dogs can exhibit feelings of jealousy."

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

"Meow."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

'I'm sure they don't think you're really a bad kitty...just a kitty that sometimes does bad things.'

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

"I can't believe how much I love her. Just look at those sienna eyes and that adorable little nose. I honestly don't know how I'd survive without her." "He has food."

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

"Actually I never loved you."

I hear you, man. Look, if you need anything, my door is always open.

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"

The brain of a dog.

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

"He's obedient as long as my requests align with his internal moral imperatives."

"Wag your tail just once when I come home. You miserable dog!"

Dog to dog: 'I hate the way pointers are always blaming somebody else.'

'Get Doc Weston and Tell him I have a fever and to come over quick. We have a show to do tonight.' The talking dog goes over to the doctor's house and simply says 'woof'.

"He's sending an instant message."

"Putting him on a diet was easy. Just hide a pill in his food and he'll never touch it."