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"This dog definitely had abandonment issues..."

"See? I told you changing his food would be traumatizing."

"A squirrel, impressive! I'm still chasing a stick."

"I dunno, looks like a trap."

Dog Nightmares

"First date hairball... awkward."

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"I'm just going to ring the doorbell so I have a chance of a spot in the bed."

"Are there treats? Just grab the treats and get outta there!"

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'Doctor, I don't want to eat mouseburgers, I want to be normal like everybody else.'

"Instead of wagging my tail, running around and jumping all over you, I sent you an E-card."

"I can’t believe you’re doing this! I have abandonment issues! Abandonment issues!!!"

"This says dogs can exhibit feelings of jealousy."

"When I was a puppy, I barked as a puppy, I understood as a puppy, I thought as a puppy. But when I became a dog, I put away puppy things except for my shabby, old, beat-up stuffy toy. I still freaking love this thing."

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"I'll take this one."

'Humans do it, why couldn't we? Instead of chasing food, we could breed it: It's all explained in my report...'

Dog Bar with Toilets.

"He may be neutered and declawed, but he's still dangerous."

"I'm not a mad dog. But I'm not particularly happy either."

"Last night I dreamed I caught my tail."

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

"When I go, I’d like my ashes dumped on top of a squirrel’s head."

"I have to give you credit. You're a pit bull and you're nice on and offline."

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

The universe that has me at the center of it is my kind of universe!

"Stupid obedience school. As if we don't want to learn physics or computer science or something."

"[UNABLE TO PROCESS THIS IMAGE]"

Cat going to litter box with newspaper to read.

"So we're agreed—free will exists, unless there are treats."

"Putting him on a diet was easy. Just hide a pill in his food and he'll never touch it."

Cat does not want to chase the stick.

"Wait ... now I forgot what I was going to bark at you for."