Pet Peeve Soldier Gifts

Human Cull: People who write in the crosswords in the library newspaper instead of taking a copy.

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

'This is the only part of my old Army uniform that still fits.'

"Hey, dad. We wanna play army before we go to bed. Can we have our toy medals back?"

"O.K., Saddam, we want a full and accurate accounting of what you've got - or else?"

Technical specifications: semi-automatic 1.2 mm cartoon launcher. 7.5 inch barrels holds a full stick of graphite. Fires rounds of sarcasm, satire and spoofs. Takes out religious fanatics with sharp wit.

'Polly wants a machine gun.'

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

USS Party Time.

'You know I felt pretty confident until I saw that sign... I mean, didn't we really get whupped in that fight?'

'Quick! We need more quarters!'

You know it's my pet peeve when you say "anywhoo."

Self Practice for Paratroopers

"I do, too, notice the little things, and most of them irritate me."

'This is my toughest soldier -- He's been through Mom's vacuum cleaner eight times!'

A Dog Who Never Got His Day.

"Luke, use the fork!"

"Can't you clip your nails on the subway like everyone else?"

Human Cull: People who let their plants hang over the sidewalk so pedestrians can't walk past normally.

Tank Tops.

"Do your folks know you're into guns?"

Human Cull: People who leave their cars idling when they are stopped for ages.

Enlist now! K-9 Corps...'You're a cat!'

The Giant Guardsman Chapters VII and VIII

"Pushing buttons with anything other than your index finger is an affectation."

"Hold up-I got sand in my shoe again."

Things to whine about: 'I'm making a list of my pet peeves.'

"Officer, everything in the world is bothering me."

X-tra Large Pipe Cleaners.

From the Particular to the General.

On strike - Do your own barking.

'And stop talking to me in that stupid cat voice!'

Territorial Army -"You can't sit there, this is our table!"

Human Cull: People who drag their yappy little dogs into stores and restaurants, claiming that they are service or therapy dogs.

Human Cull: Fellow passengers who push in front of where you are standing at the baggage carousel so that you can no longer see the bags.