Pet Gossip Aficionado Pillows

"Here comes crazy old cousin Harriett, who scratches in all the wrong spots."

Pet Entertainers

Cat mistakes bars for toilets.

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

The First Cone of Shame.

"I'm thinking sixty nine."

"Another slander suit!"

"You're living in a fantasy world, Nelly. Farmer Dave doesn't know you're alive. Plus, he's a human being, he's married, he's the church pastor and he's secretly gay."

'The last guy I worked for kept me on a short leash.'

'Mint?! These taste like cardboard!'

The Karate Kitten.

Noah's Ark Book Shop has two doggie doors.

"Jerk." "Jackass." "Screw you." "Bite me."

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

"Did you know that cats aren't mentioned anywhere in the Bible?"

"FYI – your camel hair blazer started it."

"Is your dog friendly or socially maladjusted?"

'Will Work For Food, The Take, Like, Two Bites And Walk Away.'

'The pats on the head are nice, but I need more compensation...'

'My hamster fell asleep at the wheel!'

"Do you think those sounds they make are some primitive attempt to communicate with each other?"

'Yes, having a powerful sense of smell is good, but I do wish Master would change his socks more often...'

'Found your problem - there was a hairball in the gasline.'

"Looks like we'll be eating leftovers for a month!"

"I, for one, refuse to just sit at the door pining for his return."

-'Do you have a last wish senor?' -'Yeah, I'd like to pee on your leg.'

"He's been this way ever since we ran out of liver treats."

'I couldn't find your slippers. Will these do?'

'I want a straightforward answer: Did you or did you not willfully claw a flea to death on your left ear?'

'I'll get into the garbage, Whiskers here will wreck the sofa, and you - you'll drive the getaway castle.'

In the dog park

'Sit!'

The bad news is, Fluffy ate the squeaker out of her toy. The good news is, it's going to sound hilarious coming out.

"As I near my 9th life, I feel I’m entering a post-curious, pre-fatalist phase of existence."

'Ma'am, I think I already see the problem with your cuckoo clock.'