Pest Punster Pillows

The lesser of two weevils: "The farmer's worked really hard on his cotton crop. I say we leave it alone."

"In future don't try to pick the pockets of pest control officers!"

Mosquito 'restaurant' on a person's skin. Waiter asks 'Red or red?'

"Oh, the usual - spreading pestilence and misery. You?"

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Sweep the board.

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

'Iguana know what time it is.'

Dogs life

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

"I'm the Class Clown fish."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

Dog Walker

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'