Pessimist Comedic Relief Pillows

My problem isn't that the key to success is hard to find, it's that the key to failure is always left in the ignition.

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"Nobody listens to me complain quite like you do."

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

'There, Mr Optimist. Now how full is it?'

Tom's last day.

The End is Near art gallery opening.

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

Lent is a real drag this year. - 'Why? What did you give up?' - 'Hope.' - 'I gave up chocolate. Guess what?1' - 'What?' - 'I've made my ideal weight! Yay!'

"My glass is half empty"

'I find it difficult not to entertain the occasional negative thought.'

Half Empty/Half Full/I'm Still On Vacation!!!

Abstract art proves that things can be as bad as they look.

The Dungeon

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'We made it, Happy New Year.'

This will be a banner day for you!

Doomsdayers recycle pamphlets in case they are wrong.

"People wipe their feet on me all day long. I mean, really, what could possibly be worse than that?"

'Look at that lunatic...'

"If I was you...I wouldn't be worried about the future..."

A giant squid gets "Life Sucks" tattooed on its tentacles.

"This feels like the start of something that will eventually break one of our hearts."

Look at the bright side. The I.R.S. says obesity is a disease, so your office visits are tax deductible.

"The nice thing about being a fruit fly is you only have to listen to one news cycle."

'I tend to look on the negative side of things. Do you guys do rose coloured glasses'

"First they make you button your own shirt, then they make you tie your own shoes...you gotta ask yourself ? where's this all heading?"

The split end is near.

The world may be my oyster, but I've never been able to pry it open.

"You really don't need a good life, just a great obituary writer."

'The bad news is the price of gas is going up. The good news is since I lost my job I've got nowhere to go anyway.'

"President Elect Donald Trump was killed today. . . when he was crushed under the wight of his own ego."

"Well, it's a change of scenery."

"Breakfast is my favorite meal because the day hasn't been ruined yet."