Personal Finance Gurus Gifts

'Shocked? You should be! After all those years of toil and loyal sacrifice, that's your net worth! Wake up, Fido! On Lesson Three, we'll offer tips on planning your financial future!'

"Good news! Our financial problems are over. We just have to make one small change in our lifestyle. We can't buy anything from now until Memorial Day."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

The president's men

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"Helen brings home our second, third and fourth incomes."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

GAS PRICES AT PUMP

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio?'

"We need to reset our fiscal compass to the changing business horizon."

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

"The economy always seems to be recovering, but it never recovers."

The best financial decision I ever made.

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'Investment charts can be complicated, son, but that usually means, 'bonuses'.'

'Let's just wait here until the federal stimulus returns.'

The economy.

E.U. Banking Union.

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

'We're living in a round hole economy.'

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

Fiscal cliff - US dollar falling over the edge.

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

"I can always tell when Philip is working on family finances. A 'cursor' appears on both sides of the computer screen."

"We've called this special Stocholders meeting because we want all of our stock back."

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'