Pension Penny Counter Gifts

'Your husband was a model employee. Not only did he work hard and fast, but he died three days after he retired so that the company saved on his pension payments.'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

A treasure map shows you all the roads without tolls.

'Can we afford you to save us money by repairing the car yourself...?'

"O.K. he's a billionaire, but how much of it is in cash?"

So I'm "cheap." It's a perfectly good word. And it aptly describes my interest in conserving resources. I suppose we could call you "thrifty." Heavens no! And waste two whole letters? I see we've only wasted one whole tea bag.

Thrift: New way to eat eggs (avoid needless transport costs).

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"I just..."

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Your energy bill is enclosed. You might want to sit down.

Okay, start shouting them in for their annual bonuses.

"This is what happens when you award the contract to the cheapest tender...."

"That thermostat I bought is smart. It knows how cheap I am, so it keeps our home freezing."

Gym. Check in Here. The only time I feel the burn is when I pay the memberbship fee.

Blowing dust off an order book.

'Margaret, what are we doing on this cruise ship that we couldn't have done at home, cheaper?'

"I'm taking your advice and saving my money!"

'What can you get with a quarter?'

"Your portfolio is too conservative."

Does your accountant share your enthusiasm for the future...We're fantastically excited about the new project!

"I hate check writing, but, hey, it pays the bills."

"All I have left to cut is my lunch money."

'Would you like your dividend in pennies, nickels or bitcoin?'

World's cheapest car

'Dave will only turn the heating on when he thinks it's absolutely necessary.'

"We're going to have to save some money...and one way is to rewrite the rules on expenses claim."

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

Welcome all to the monthly gathering of Tightwads United. Hi there. Hello. Hey. On tonight's agenda: Dumpster diving, coupon clipping, and a special lecture. How to carpool while always getting the other person to drive. I'm like a god. Woohoo!! Yeah!!! Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap. Tightwads United.

'The sick economy isn't why J.B.has cut back on spending. He always was a tightwad.'

Handled all of my own investments

"Installed it himself ??" saved $50."