Paternal Figure Gifts

"Stop saying my name, I'm trying to stay incognito! Too many former partners looking for alimony payments in this neighbourhood..."

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

Barack Obama's To Do list.

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

"Dear Mum. As contractions begin I thank you for letting me share your uterus. When do I get my bond money back??"

"Teddy, you call this a 'clean room'?"

Running shoes? You have the wrong idea about "fasting," Brother Ernest!

BLESS YOU

Trappist talk show.

So close... Yet so far.

You'll be a manicotti soon enough, son

Spilled Milk

"I feel I need to take a break from academia."

"Good news. Your child buys into the change paradigm of growing up."

"They're really more like a bucket list."

Baby Bird

Proof you've made it Loud Annoying The voices raised against you

Yossi's mother couldn't understand why he was struggling socially.

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"My Marcia has always been so talented in so many areas. I only hope she finds a direction for herself and gets married."

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

"...No, he can't really fly...no, the bad guys really don't have a ray gun...no, this cereal really isn't the best food in the whole world...no, it won't make you as strong as a giant..."

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Where did we go wrong?'

Mayor Gojo presents a keycard to the city to celebrity.

"I'm stepping down to spend more time with my Callaway Mack Daddy PM-Grind wedges."

"What a coincidence. My mum is going to be a single mum and I'm going to be a single baby!"

What the numbers are telling us

"That's not the real me."

"Can I move in with you?"

"Shhh, Daddy's painting – snack time can wait."

"Everyone wants to know what Jesus would do. No one ever asks how Jesus is feeling about his complicated relationship with his father."

"I'm not surprised that it's a bad school report. Statistics indicate that children get their intelligence from their fathers!"

"I thought that sperm-bank donors remained anonymous."