Pastry Jokester Pillows

'Well Shirley, you've got to be brave now... I fear that sun tan won't protect your cake from getting burned in the oven.'

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'My brother's a proper cook - he's come as a witness'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

Onion operation.

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"It said on the packet the pasta should act as a vehicle for the sauce."

'I'm going to bake you a sponge cake...where do we keep the sponges?'

Soup Company: Chicken Stock, Beef Stock and Laughing Stock,

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'You can do whatever you want, Herb, but I sure wouldn't take advice from a bowl of alphabet soup!'

'I wish you'd make those meatballs a little lighter; they hurt!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

"If you have an emergency, use this pepper spray."

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Monet At Open Mic Night

'I'm sorry, sir, but cheeseburgers are out of season.'