Palette Jokester Pillows

Monet At Open Mic Night

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Beat it! Here comes the major and his entire staff!"

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"Apparently he only uses fugitive colours."

'Classical music, huh?...You mean like Elvis?'

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

Trash-talkin' artists

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"Before someone says anything, yes, it was a long winter."

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

Henry's music career was ruined when a frog jumped into a glass of gin, and then jumped into his tuba where it is now permanently lodged.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

"I'm very highly strung!"

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!

Athen's Theater. "Oedipus Rex" didn't test well as a title, Sophocles. How would you feel about calling it "My Big Fat Greek Tragedy"?

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'I think I see why you're progressing slowly in music.'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'