Party Performer Mugs

'All right, Mr. Wonderful - let's see how long you can hold it there.'

Neat Trick.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

Bacchus.

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

Party Animals.

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

Cow Show Tunes

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

"Bravo!"

"Fred's had too much to drink - now he's hitting on that old coat rack."

'A Ball at the Mansion House'

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

"I always thought I'd be good at getting drunk and crying on camera for Bravo."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"