Party Humor Gifts

"He left with two other slices of bread, turkey, bacon, lettuce and toothpicks. I think they went clubbing."

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

Reagacentennial

"Jack Daniels-in-a-box"

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'Man. Piltdown Man.'

Complementary Beverages

'... So I said to Dave; 'You're not going to wear that baggy old thing are you?' But, he decided to come nude anyway.'

The Art of Misdirection

"Good luck, Sanders. We're sure going to miss that little imitation you do of me at office parties."

Antiwar Democrats Get Tough

'The attack will have to wait until tomorrow Congressman. Today is furlough day. . .'

"Here's my idea. . . we offer Trump the Nobel Peace Prize as a quid pro quo for leaving office."

"You mean to tell me I can only vote against one Congressman?"

"I figure if I don't have that third martini, then the terrorists win."

'I just had the greatest idea! -- Let's deregulate ourselves!'

"Are you sure that this is the correct dress for a political event?"

Brexit Trip

Virtual Lap Dancing

'Hello, my name is Death'

"I feel like I've just been played my whole life."

"Harpy Hour."

Trump's Speechwriters

Nick Clegg.

Bar, My dog doesn't understand me.

No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Citizenship test no 17, 'the t-shirt over head'.

'. . . But where's the beef?'

"Oi, who are you bleedin' looking at?"

Repeal and Reject

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

Unpopular Christmas cookie shapes

'We didn't see any radiation.'

"51st State, eh?!"

Land Of The Free And Home To A Lot Of Cheap Stuff