Partition Philosophers Gifts

'We're so downsized, we have to outsource our office gossip.'

The devil you know and his plus one

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'No thanks, I don't drink when I'm driving home a point about investing.'

"I lost some intellectual property here last night. Anybody remember what the hell I was talking about?"

'Our relationship would be perfect if it wasn't for you!'

'My thesis was entitled 'Tears of a Clown: Irony or Paradox?''

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

"A watched kettle never boils, so I'm covering up Alexa."

"The worst thing about having aliens abduct you is that they say they’re going to call, but they never do."

"I devote most of my time to defending the bastions of culture."

"Do you believe the world is all an illusion?" "I know it is. I know it can be bent by our collective will. When I was born, there were horses and buggies in the streets. But as soon as we all believed we could do it, we went to the moon." "Oh, I agree. That's why I'm trying to get the whole internet to retweet 'It's possible to upload our minds into immortal robot bodies.' If the entire hive mind of Earth tweets that at the same time, it's got to come true." "I hope not. I'd hate for you to end

'Before you go, introduce yourself, so that I know who you were...'

Some recently de-classified nuclear secrets.

'See that ant, Norm - He is in a world of his own, completely unaware that he is being watched.'

"Last time I saw you, you were just a baby."

Club insecurity.

'Guys, I think this is one of those 'let it go' moments in life when you have to relax and just trust the processor!'

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

'As long as I stand here I'm safe. . . no stress. . . no pressure. . . no need to impress. . . I can just relax and be who I am. . .'

"It's all good – but some of it is better."

'If you dislike the term divorce that much, then just think of it as downsizing the time you spend together.'

Documentation Please

"So, all this talk about appealing to our better angels..."

"Oh I don't think it's as bad as all that. In fact, I think we're in the golden age of something which we won't even realize it's the golden age of until many years from now."

Yakademic: An academic who has been describing their research since they were asked about it over 20 minutes ago.

A Higgs Bosun

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

"Honey, you’re doing that thing again where you stare into space and wonder how I talked you into leaving the house."

"Learning percentages has made me realize there's a 50% chance I'll flunk math."

Respected cartoon couple, Elmo and Merle Blinkwhistle, take a little time out each day to gather their thoughts.

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

"His schlock has gravitas."