Parents' Day Pillows

"You'll like my parents. They're very child-centered."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

'It's the parents' 4x4x400 metres.'

'Hi son. We just stopped by to bring you some food and money...we know how hard it must be to be in collage and have a job at the same time.'

"If I dream the impossible dream, am I a conspiracy theorist?"

"Eighty years laying thousands of eggs and not one comes to visit."

"Proud parent of an honor student? Eh, whatever. Parent of an honorable student? Now that would be impressive."

If Babies Could Do Parent Diaries

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

'Completely unacceptable. I don't know how any son of mine could… Oh. OK, I see you even failed the DNA test.'

'Maybe he has some sort of mystic attachment to the soil.'

Doc's Kid.

'I'm not sure when he went missing, officer. I just noticed his TV chair is empty.'

"No, I don't want a glass of water, but I'm worried that I might want one."

"He just said his first cheap, throw-away comment"

'Yoy know perfectly well WHICH corner, Jamie!'

'He's my personal potty trainer.'

'Don't act too adorable...we'll be half naked on the internet before we even know what privacy is!'

'He said his first words today - 'Let's sue them'.'

Puzzle Family

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'The wheel was great, but what have you done for me lately?'

Bitchbark Canoe

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

City Zoo: Day Care

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"How can you be out of wings?"

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Ahhh... close enough."

Playing Fetch.

"Tell me about this fear of couches."