Parenting Troubleshooter Pillows

"You just wait until your father gets parental access."

'Look dear, he's prematurely bored'

"It's a note from Eddie's teacher. It seems he's stretched his imagination past the end of her rope."

"He's a real problem child."

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"I have a new program that draws from his energy to power all our computers and phones. We should be good for the next 10 years."

'Save us!'

Baby has used blocks to spell out 'SO VERY BORED'.

'Honey, what's wrong?! Why are you crying?'

What can I play?

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

"With the baby-cam, there is no privacy."

'Wow, Mom, how long has he been in time-out?'

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

'David, can't you speak for yourself?'

"If they give you any trouble, find a good babysitter and go out for the evening."

Spilled Milk

'Take my advice, and never look in the back of your computer.'

'Run around with sharp objects and you'll poke an eye out!'

Bedtime Story

"Take a few minutes to introduce yourself, Ms. Berry. Not that they don't already have you pegged."

Planned Parenthood: 'What do you mean, you want an unexpected pregnancy leave?'

'It was embarrassing. While I was taking up their cell phones, my cell phone rang.'

'Well, if I'm being honest, I think he's a raging narcissist.'

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

"Kick the machine"

"Why do they tell us not to be childish? We're only nine!"

'I've done the washing up - Do we have any glue?'

'Did you try unplugging it and plugging it back in?'

'It's sad to think of raising him in a world with looming tort reform.'

"I handled his last adventure. You take this one."

"Mom wasn't impressed with my suggestion that we 'agree to disagree'."

Big Brother. 'No you can't have her evicted'.

"Brad? This is your congressman. Get Mommy on the phone, please."