Parenting Raconteur Gifts

"No thanks, mom. I'm on a vegetable free diet."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"Have you seen my dad?"

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"I have a couple of other projects I'm excited about."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Where's your nose?"

'Son, the world is ripe for the taking ... you better stay home with me.'

"Just tell your parents you made the grade. Don't specify."

"Which one's yours?"

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."